...genyes...

to my love.  This is going to be the 4th birthday that I celebrate with you.  I wish you the best in life because you truly deserve everything (cheeseball, but true.  Who doesn’t want the best for someone they truly love?).  I’ve learned a lot about you through these past few years and still learning more.  There is never a dull moment when it comes to you.  Although I may not verbally express this, you motivate and inspire me with everything I do.  I may not like you a lot of the times for being a tyrant, or in your case, “nazi” when you say “you better be studying!”, “you shouldn’t be doing ________”, “baby, WAKE UP!”, and many more things but I know you mean well.  I appreciate it.  Subconsciously! =P  

You are an amazing person, for numerous reasons that I shall keep to myself.  I think a lot of people misjudge, misunderstand you, underestimate and overlook your acts of kindness.  Everyone is different.  No one is alike.  Everyone has their own way of expressing or showing affection.  Everyone is raised differently, are from different cultures, and have various beliefs which is why I see your true motives and how you deal with things.  Underneath your mysterious, smart ass, sarcastic, asshole, witty, and weird personality, you truly are a caring person.  More than most people think.  I know! 

I can ramble on about what I think about you and how you play a big part in my life but the bottom line is that I just love you so much and I’m here for you through thick and thin.  No matter how much you make me mad or how much I want to make you mad and push your buttons, I will be here for you.  

here you go again…telling me to study cause you know I’m not since I’m typing and on my laptop….I KNOWWWW! gahhhd.  happy birthday boody!!!! =)

Disintegrated

I feel like I’m going coo coo for cocoa puffs! Must survive these next two months without going completely insane. I feel it creeping though.

There are several things on my mind and not to misdirect people, I will specify and try to be more direct.

1. This school is dumb. I really sympathize for my teacher because my classmates complain right and left about so much shit, it’s ridiculous. I bring issues up to him as well but in a more respective way and I don’t talk to him as though it’s his fault for everything. Poor guy. This school is dumb though. So there are several tests to choose from for us to take for one lesson and sometimes the tests they give us are just crap. I know everything is critical thinking but geez there are so many grammatical errors and spelling errors is sometimes hard to even believe they’re giving you a real test. Then when 90% of the class fails the test and the two or three people who actually pass do so by 2 or 3 percent, you know there’s something wrong there. At think at this point of time to see that is just discouraging. It kind of makes me feel like they’re trying to throw everyone’s momentum off. I’m just done with this school. The females are getting more irate off the most smallest things and talking behind each others back. “so and so does this, that..”. Gah, grow the fuck up. Hard to believe that people older than me aren’t mature as they should be. Whatevs.

2. My students and the cotillion court I’m teaching have been working really hard. I swear they brighten up my weeks. I feel like I’m connecting even more with them and getting more involved which is cool. Good job guys.

3. Today was the first day of clinicals at the children’s hospital. I’m not quite sure what requirements have to be met in order to be admitted to one but for this one specifically, the child had to have at least 2 tubes. I could be wrong but I believe that’s what my instructor said. Today I was placed in the nursery. I had mixed emotions being there for the day. A part of me wanted to cry and the other part of me was really happy. It was sad to see what some of these infants have been through and what they have to deal with now. I gave a bed bad and cleaned this baby’s colostomy/change bag and g tube site. All the children there had trach’s. Man, they are so cute. :)

4. The house needs to be cleaned. I known I have been lagging on my part but I cleaned the whole house last time when its supposed to be split up into four. Whatever, just have to keep reminding ourselves to clean up after ourselves better and to clean up whatever it is we’re doing after we’re done to prevent buildup.

5. I miss my family and friends. :(

Pee time.
Its “cuh cuh colllllddddduh”

Mmm I can’t wait for mister to cook me some potatoes. And for the rest of the weeks to come! >=)

The closer I get to the monthly, the more agitated I get. Maybe my mind and body are just tired. I just want things to be organized. I can only do so much for myself and others during the day. I feel like when I come home I am not respected….dishes aren’t washed, chores not done…I don’t think those are complicated things accomplish when you have a free whole day. At most it probably would’ve taken less than two hours to do. I got up at 5am…got ready for clinicals…drove in the rain..avoided two accidents..clinicals…chilled for a bit..choreographed…went to work..drove to my parents to dye mom moms hair…got gas…bought food…got soaked in the rain…drove in the rain and got back home at 11pm. I’m fucking tired and I come home to shit. I’m fucking tired and angry. Work in 930-230 and then 430-7 and then study study study. I’m stressed…don’t tell me to relax. I hate when people tell me to relax…if I had that emotional and physical support I probably wouldn’t be complaining right now. Blah blah blah. I need a cigarette. And a punching bag.

Finally feeling better.  Sucks I missed out on two days of school.  UGH!  I hate missing class and lecture notes.  This just means I have to push 10x harder than usual.  

THINGS TO DO by 2pm:

Finish:

- AA paper

-WIC paper

-DC paper

-notes/readings

-EC paper (to be emailed in by Friday)

THINGS TO DO by the end of Thursday:

Choreograph for: Friday classes (3), Saturday classes (5) which = 3.. Cotillion (2), Spotlight (3).  8 different dances.  Ok…which means….find more music!  I recently dug out my old cds and have been listening to them lately…I’m thinking of compiling several songs that fit together and making a set out of it.  Right now my heart for dance is really low.  Maybe because my focus is on school.  I know my passion for dance is there…my motivation and inspiration kind of hangs by a thread.  The only thing or people rather that fuel me are my students.  Although they are difficult at times, they keep me going and remind me why I love doing what I do.

So during my sick time I’ve been taking very good care of myself…although I’ve been stressing about school, I tried to get as much rest as I should have been getting.  Can’t take care of other people if you can’t take care of yourself right?  Anywho, I’ve been making fruit smoothies, eating my protein and a lot of green leafy veggies..and carrots.  Taking my vitamins..or this immunity powder that I mix with water.  It’s pretty good.  I dilute it a lot with water cause I think it’s a little too sweet but I think the b12 in it gives me the most energy.  Today I kind of cheated by making an cookies and cream smoothie.  It was so yummy!  So far this year I’ve been pretty good with eating right…or healthier rather.  I have to time manage better so I get sufficient amount of rest that my body needs in order to keep my immune system up to par.  I can’t afford to have what happen this past weekend, happen again!  I want to get through these next few months! 

Tonight I am going to experiment with making some pasta sauce from scratch..to put on cheese tortellini.  Then make some montreal steak that I’ve been marinating for the past two hours with a side of salad.  I think the combination of the foods will taste good…hopefully the mister will like it.  I think he gets kind of irritated whenever I make food and ask him “does it taste good?”.  He always responds…”everything you make tastes good!”…well geez isn’t that biased!?  I swear if I had all the ingredients and supplies…I would want to cook and bake different cookies all day!  Which reminds me…I’m going to bake chocolate chip raspberry rugelach soon…For those of you who don’t know, it’s a jewish pastry/cookie.  I’m sure I’ve tasted it before but have always encountered it during the christmas season at my studio holiday parties.  I never knew what it was called until now.  Should’ve googled it earlier!  

These are definitely great gifts to give…mmmmmm thinking about it makes me want to make it already!  lol.  patience.  These puppies take about 2.5 hours prep time to make.  Simple ingredients but precise/delicate steps to make them just right.  They’re definitely worth the time.

Well, time to start dinner and my papers.  Until next time.

Crazy dream last night. Sometimes I feel like there’s something caged up inside of me waiting to be released. Weird. Another part of my dream made me realize the state of mind I’m in. Caring about what’s in my life, staying focused, not letting the small things get the best of me (minus the fact that I just got sick and the fucking germs conquered my body for three days!) currently still congested but my fever is finally gone! Thank god I can function again although I still get easily fatigued. Anywhooty, I guess it kind of made me think like I’m getting old…and probably reviewing all the information about theorists and developmental stages is playing a role in all of this.

So in the whole dream it looks like I’m in Costco..but inside Costco there’s multiple stores plus eateries. Outside of Costco, a big parking lot that kind of looks like an amusement park. I see various people in my lifeline like family, old friends, classmates, exes. So I’m in line to get candy, ice cream or some type of sweets (go figure huh. Me and my damn sweet tooth) and I’m wearing this nice dress..I guess I was trying it on but apparently kept it on. Anyways, I’m laughing with my line buddies and of course I see the ex and the girlfriend from afar eating at the tables but pay no attention…maybe eyeing each other every now and then but nothing serious. I was getting impatient because our line wasn’t moving and I guess the cashier was working the other booth so had to close our line temporarily. When I get impatient, i start to get easily agitated. I need glucose to calm me. All of a sudden I see the ex from my peripherals get up from his seat angrily and start storming my way. Totally gets into my space. I have no clue as to what he’s saying but I just know he’s talking hella shit. I know it’s something about his girlfriend but I can’t make out specific words or sentences. I go off on him. First I start clowning on him for certain things just because and then talk about his girlfriend who I don’t even know asking why would I start talking shit about someone I don’t know, have nothing against and don’t give a shit about? And then the girlfriend say “oh heeyyl no” gets up and tries to come at me. *bitch mode* oh no she di-int hah! I put my hand in her face *pause* seriously? Pretty much told the both of them that I don’t follow up on their relationship and that I have more serious things to deal with. I’m happy with mine so I’m paying attention to that. I mean I’m happy for them…obviously she makes you happy so that’s Kool. Girlfriend walks away cause she is now Ashamed of herself and looks like a damn fool. I feel good at that moment cause I spoke my mind and spoke well looking good in that dress. Classy. (I think watching deliver us from Eva last night played a part of this too). I tell the Ex that he has nothing to worry about and that if he accepts, I don’t mind being friends. I just don’t see why people can’t be mature about certain things. Because you have a fight or break up..it’s over and can’t be friends. I mean unless they cheat on you or because they don’t have balls and are pussywhooped by the female (no offense), I can see why things can delay but it doesn’t take away the fact that things can be handled in a better, mature manner. I guess people just choose to act in a mature way…and the impulses cannot be controlled at the moment. Forgiveness, accepting, and moving on are key. Anyways I asked him for his friendship and he accepted. Although thinking about it in a conscious state, makes me kind of awkward, it feels good. There was more to the dream but that part stuck out the most…probably cause I was angry but relieved right after. Lawl.

Well, back to studying.